28
Sep
2009
Samsung Genio Touch S3650. Cereal bars for all!
Ah, our old favourite makes an appearance: Utterly Redundant Marketing Slogans (or URMS, for short), how we have missed you.
Sometimes URMS are funny because they’ve been created by someone in Korea, then badly translated. Fun Time Phone in Pocket for All, would be a hastily made up example. Sometimes URMS are just outright lies. Colour Like No Other, from Sony is a pretty decent one there (because, right, yeah, your TVs make red seem like no other red or green anyone has ever ever seen, course they do).
Then sometimes, as is making an appearance right now with the Samsung Genio Touch, you get URMS that are so outrightly pointless that you have to wonder if they’re actually a joke. To cut the suspense, Samsung’s effort here is “touch for every lifestyle”. So this not only applies to the Samsung Genio Touch, but also to every touch phone they release from now on in. Okay, you think, so what’s so bad. Well, think about it. Marketing slogans and ads are supposed to differentiate products from the crowd. Make you think that phone A or Cereal Bar B has something about it that is so special, so unique, that you can’t but buy it. Touch for every lifestyle says the exact opposite. It says, we make touchscreen phones for everyone, all of you, we don’t care who you are or what you do or what makes you special, we don’t even care about you at all, but hey! That’s a good thing, because that means we’ve got just what you need. Idiots.
What’s that? You wanted to know about the phone, rather than listen to us rant about URMS. Bah! What did you expect? This isn’t a blog for every lifestyle. Check out this Samsung Genio Touch review, or have a look at the official press release for more facts, less rants.
25
Sep
2009
Nokia Booklet 3G. Worst phone ever
What’s that? A 1.3MP camera, are you havin’ a bubble bath? And weighing 1250g? That’s obscene. That’s like the Johnny Vegas. A ten inch screen? Fair enough, better than an iPhone. But what about… oh… wait… right… we seeeeee.
Ladies and gentlefolk: this ain’t no phone. This is, excitingly, Nokia’s first ever foray into the real mobile computing world (not the fake mobile computing that phone manufacturers claim just because their phones can just about log on to a Gmail account). Step forward the Nokia Booklet 3G. And boy, is it a mighty step. This thing isn’t just good, isn’t just pretty decent (as so many Nokia phones are), this thing is drop dead fantastic.
The physical design of the thing is just stunning. So many netbooks are being chucked towards the market these days that people seem to have lost all regard for making the things look anything better than kids toys. Not this thing. With its aluminium finish, glass screen and curves to die for, you can be as confident pulling this thing out of your bag as you would a Sony Vaio. It really does look that good.
Then there’s the Nokia 3G Booklet’s innards… 3G, on a laptop? Yes please. And some A-GPS to work with the pre-installed Ovi Maps? I should say so. A little WiFi. A sprinking of the all-new Windows 7… it’s got it all, and it’s got a lot, lot more (just check out the official page for a full spec-check).
So there we have it. You might be sceptical, you might think Nokia would be better of working on some more mind blowing phones, but we say: forget all that. This thing rocks, this thing needs to be bought, and this thing will make you very happy indeed if you agree with us.
Check out this Nokia Booklet 3G review for some similar thinking, or just have a little look at the video below.
22
Sep
2009
Nokia N900. Disengage the cynicism
Videos by Nokia…bah, grrr, annoying… such poor quality… darn it and so on… why can’t they just spend some money… grumble grumble…
Or at least, that’s how a blog like this would normally go. You know the pattern well enough by now. Nokia release a new phone that is at least worthy of our attention, if not actually really good, then we go about bringing you news of it, and in so doing want to show you a video to back up the cesspool of our words. Then all we can find is one of those terrible self-made videos that Nokia seem to painfully adept at creating. Then we post it anyway, having lost the will to live, let alone the will to search any deeper for an even half decent video. Then we grumble, complain and generally bring you down about said video and Nokia’s idiocy.
Then we have the N900, and the video below. So we found it, tutted, clicked play, tutted some more. Swore at the screen a little bit as those ridiculously trying-to-be-trendy Finns started prattling on about this and that. But… but then, something magical happened: they showed us the phone in action. And we paused, mid swear. Fair enough, we didn’t believe that these people were suddenly cool (far from it), we didn’t think that Nokia had actually made a deceptively interesting video (far, far from it), but… the phone… The Nokia N900… just look at it!
Powered by the Maemo operating system, the Linux-based thing that’s been powering Nokia’s so-called internet tablets for a while now, it maybe shouldn’t be such a surprise that thing works so well. Even less so given the up-to-1GB of processing power that the phone can allocate to juggling multitasking applications. Or the up-to 48GB of storage space. Or the… well, or the everything else. Because as this Nokia N900 review, or as a look at the official stats will show you, this thing is just plain brilliant. Like, **** hot brilliant.
And when a phone is this good, hell, who needs a decent video.
21
Sep
2009
Nokia 5230. Special videos by special people
Nokia’s promotional videos… is there anything they can’t do?
Well, short answer: yes, lots. Succeed; make their products look good; have a soundtrack that doesn’t make deafness an attractive life choice; have any kind of narrative; not feature someone with weird hands; not have annoying, inane titling; be watchable in any way, shape or form: these are all the things that Nokia’s promotional videos can’t do.
But now we can add another thing to the list that their videos have failed to do, and this one’s a cracker. Because the video for the Nokia 5230 shows a phone actually failing. Not massively. The phone doesn’t explode and maim the handler, for example (though we’re expecting to see that one in the not too distant future). But if you have a little look at the video below, jump to 36 seconds in (don’t, for the love of god, make yourself sit through any more than that) you’ll see something. First you’ll see an ugly finger sweeping down the screen. Then, about a second later, that screen decides to scroll how it was supposed to. Huge, gaping, obvious, painful lag.
Now, being the generous kind hearted souls that you know we are (hey, no laughing at the back), we’re willing to consider the possibility that maybe this was a prototype. That the final Nokia 5230 wouldn’t have any such lag and everything will be as smooth and streamlined and tra-la-la perfect as can be. But, even if this is the case, who in the hell made this video, who edited, which absolute tool didn’t watch that and think, you know what, maybe we should just re-record that bit where we make out product look ****ing terrible. You know? Maybe that might have been a good idea. Idiots.
And it is, in all honestly, a shame. Because the 5230 is a very decent phone for what it is. And what it is is a very affordable but still feature-packed touchscreen device, as this Nokia 5230 review, or this handy official page will reveal.
Just… seriously… Nokia… At least employ people who aren’t blind/retarded to make your videos. Please.
17
Sep
2009
Sony Ericsson Jalou. Sloth
Ah, when oh when will they ever (ever) [ever] learn. Phones and high fashion do not mix. As though previous failures – LG + Prada, Samsung + Armani, Motorola + Dolce & Gabbana’s hideous gold RAZR – haven’t been enough to convince them, Sony Ericsson are now blundering into this dangerous territory with the Sony Ericsson Jalou.
So, before telling you what we think of the Sony Ericsson Jalou, why is it that we can confidently state that high fashion and small mobile communication devices don’t mix? Well, easy.
1.High fashion is about producing very low numbers of products (normally just one) using the very highest quality materials… Mobile phones are made in their millions. Out of plastic
2.Fashion’s dresses are worn by the most beautiful people in the world… Most people who buy phones are called Sharon and live in Essex
3.People who design clothes for the best labels are paid millions because they are truly, exceptionally talented… People who design phones aren’t, because they’re noticeable
We could go on, but that’s a point proved, we reckon. It’s not that the Jalou is all that a bad phone when it comes down to it. It’s average in terms of what going on inside, and is nice and dinky (have a little look at this Sony Ericsson Jalou review for a full run down of what’s on offer). It’s just that it’s so… well… so darned ugly. Like really, actually, truly, utterly hideous. It’s like if someone, for a laugh, decided to let Sloth from the Goonies onto a catwalk dressed in a fancy outfit and shouted, “look, look everyone, he’s amazing, he’s so gorgeous.” And everyone would point and laugh. But no matter how much the pointer shouted, no one would ever believe that he was gorgeous.
So there we have it. The Sony Ericsson Jalou = Sloth from the Goonies, in a dress. You heard it here first.
14
Sep
2009
INQ Chat 3G. You heard us.
Having been told off numerous times for using the wrong lingo (“it’s tweeting, not twittering, you silly ****er”), we’ve developed something of an aversion to the phenomenon that is Twitter. Well, the lingo thing helped develop the aversion, but to be honest it’s mostly to do with the fact that Twitter seems to be the most moronic, egotistical, pointless, shallow, crass, idiotic, boring, shameless and downright tedious technological invention of this or any previous age.
There we are then. So, having alienated most of you (idiots), let’s crack on with details of the soon-to-be thrown your way 3 Mobile INQ Chat 3G. It’s all about Twitter! Woooo! And Facebook! Yyyyyeah! Can you feel the love? But, to be fair, if Facebook is your bag, Twitter your game, status updating the way you share your shame, then the INQ Chat 3G could be just what you’re looking for. Because this thing has been built from scratch with these things in mind. Whereas most phones that come your way claiming to be Twitter friendly will have simply had modest widgets or apps slapped on to an already existing operating platform, this thing was built from scratch to work seamlessly with these programs. So, even though it personally makes us feel a little vomitous to say so: updating your status will never have felt so easy.
We honestly can’t wait to hear about what you had for dinner four minutes ago. Or about how your dinner is being digested, you know, the one you had twelve minutes ago. Or OMG LOL I just made a big **** thanks to the dinner I had last night. Admit it, you’re excited. So go have a look at this INQ Chat review, or have a gander in the direction of this.
Or, if you want to feel good about yourself after that barrage of insults, just take a look at this guy. Impressive, huh… just make sure you don’t turn him off before he starts rapping. You heard us. Rapping…
11
Sep
2009
INQ Mini 3G. The best phone you’ve never heard of
You’ve probably never heard of INQ, but for once we’re not going to blame that on the fact that you’re ignorant, dumb and a terrible waste of oxygen. Just this once, mind, so enjoy it while you can. No, the reason you haven’t heard of INQ is that their roster, their whole back catalogue, their entire history in the mobile phone world extends to… wait for it… one phone.
However, that one phone, which was called the … again, wait for it; this one’s a cracker… INQ1 (get it, do you get what they did there – genius) won a whole bag full of awards, including Winner of Best Mobile Handset – 2009 Global Mobile Awards. That’s right, it was the best phone, bar none, last year.
Got your attention? Excellent. So their second phone (sadly not called the INQ2) is about to be released and once again it is utterly underwhelming. But that’s the point about the INQ Mini 3G, just as it was the point with the INQ1. The INQ Mini 3G is actually all about being simple, being cheap, but being utterly good at what it does. And what does it do? Well, the main thing is connect you to all the Facebook, Twitter, Windows Live and other social networking shenanigans that you could hope for. And the best thing about this little thing is that these aren’t just bolted on apps, things that kind of work but kind of don’t – the whole phone is actually built from the bottom up with these functions in mind, meaning they couldn’t feel more seamless or easier to use.
Still got your attention? Thought we would have. You ignorant, useless waste of… oh, right, yeah, sorry. Anyway, go hunt yourself out some super cheap INQ Mini 3G deals, or have a look at this INQ 3G Mini review if you really need some more convincing.
10
Sep
2009
Nokia 5800 Navigation Edition. Jeff Stelling: win!
Sometimes, celebrities do things they really, really shouldn’t. No – hang on – not like that. We all do things that we shouldn’t do sometimes. And fair enough celebs seem to do those things more often than most (‘what, you want to film us as we **** and ****** and I **** you in the **** – sure! That sounds like a great idea! And one that won’t ever come back to haunt me!’). But what we mean is when someone tries to be something they’re not.
Goldie being an actor: fail!
Kiera Knightly as a singer: fail!
Gordon Brown as a human who smiles: fail!
But sometimes, just sometimes, a celeb can pull it off. Jeff Stelling, for example. World’s greatest ever football match updater: without doubt. Jeff Stelling as Richard Whitely replacement on Countdown… hang on a minute! But look at that, he pulled it off with style. And style is a tricky thing to achieve on Countdown.
And so, seamlessly, we move on to the Nokia 5800 Navigation edition. A phone that first came to our attention as an XpressMusic all about the music nothing but the music music music choons banging speakers nice traxx mate innit yeah kind of phone and is now trying to reinvent itself as a phone that is all about navigation and route planning. A bit of a shift, as we’re sure you’ll agree. But the good thing is, the Nokia 5800 Navigator edition pulls it off. Because with its pre-installed and lifetime-membereshipped access to the ful range of Nokia Maps turn-by-turn software, an in-box car cradle and charger, and that nice big screen, there really is no need to buy a standalone GPS unit.
So, what more can we say. Like driving? Get lost a lot? Need a new phone? Then go have a look at this Nokjia 5800 navigation review, than at the official page, then go buy this thing.
And we’ll have a consonant please, Fake New Carol With The Terrible Clothes.
8
Sep
2009
Nokia n97 mini. Small package, big loving
Size isn’t everything, as we’re told. And as we tell ourselves each and every day. Whether that’s your belly, you feet, your **** or your ********, it only takes a look in the mirror to spark that little phrase in your head.
Well, it’s true, of course. Size isn’t everything. But it does count for a hell of a lot, especially in the fickle world of mobile communications. Or phones, to us a slightly smaller description. And that, basically, is what you’ve got with the Nokia N97 Mini: the same thing as before, just in smaller package. There’s a couple of minor changes: the 32GB of internal storage has been bumped down to 8GB (though you can bump yourself back up to 24GB with a microSD card) and the keyboard’s been re-jiggered (technical term, you heard right) to make it smaller, the biggest loser being the d-pad which has been cast into, well, keyboard heaven, if such a place exists.
You may hear too some waffle about extra Facebook connectivity, some improved scrolling features, etc. and so on and so forth, but for all those tiny tweaks, little has really happened apart from that size shift with this ‘new’ Nokia N97.
so… well… there we have it. We could say we’re disappointed but that’s not really true… underwhelmed, perhaps, is more accurate. But then even that sounds harsh. As this Nokia N97 mini review shows, this is far from being a good phone. But perhaps Nokia could have done just a little bit more; just added a little bit more razzmatazz, a little more flair.
But hey ho, if you’ve been resisting getting the n97 because, well, it’s huge, then you’ll no doubt fall in the love with this little thing in no time at all. Get your greasy mitts on these Nokia N97 Mini deals, or have a little look at the rather flashy video below.
31
Aug
2009
Blackberry Curve 8520. Enter the belly
The Blackberry… you only need to say that word these days and various not very attractive images spring to mind. John Prescott, as the most cringingly obvious example. Peter Mandelson, not very far behind. Close-to-heart-attack bankers and city types on buses, pinging out emails and updating spreadsheets mere minutes after getting out of bed and starting their commute into the belly of the beast.
But things, thanks to the Blackberry 8520, might be about to change. For the better? Well, we won’t go that far. But change is change, and it looks very much like it’s on the way. The main reason being that this is going to be pretty much the first affordable Blackberry ever. We resisted saying cheap there, because this is still a very smart smartphone, so you’re never going to be looking at something that’s going to go straight to the bargain bin, but as these Blackberry curve 8520 deals prove, the Blackberry Curve 8520 is a phone you’re going to be able to pick up at a surprisingly – even excitingly – cheap price.
Yes, there’s no 3G. Yes, the camera’s no winner at 2MP. Yes, there’s a whole bag’s worth of other stuff that’s been shaved from your typical all-singing/-dancing Blackberry, but in these stringent times who says that such a bad thing? Not us, says us. And says this Blackberry Curve 8520 review. The keyboard’s great, the optical trackpad is being debuted, and the whole thing just feels… well… nice. Really, really nice. And things that are cheap as well as nice: they make us happy.
